Several years ago, my second cousin called me to chat while I was taking a walk.  The conversation veered, or was steered by her, to the subject of her stepmother and the fight over her Dad’s inheritance. They had been married multiple decades and beneath surface civility, my cousins never liked their stepmother or her family.  “You and Steven need a blow job clause in your will,” she said.   As a non-practicing attorney, I was immediately interested.  “What’s a blow job clause?”

“It’s a clause in the will to protect your kids.  If you die,” she said, “the first woman to give him a blow job will inherit everything.”

“How do I do it?” I asked.

“Ask your attorney.  Just make sure that SHE can’t get everything.”

I hung up the phone and hurried home.

“We need a blow job clause,” I said to my husband later that day.  It was a summer weekend.  He had just finished playing golf and was looking forward to a cool beer and barbecued short ribs which I make really well.

“A what?” he asked, looking in a drawer for the bottle opener.

“A blow job clause,” I repeated slowly.  I was enjoying say the words.

“If I die before you, some woman will give you a blow job and you will end up giving her all of our joint assets and squeezing out our kids.  SHE probably will manage to direct all of our money to her own kids, just because SHE is good at blow jobs.”

“SHE doesn’t have kids,” He said, holding the newly opened beer bottle and laughing at his own joke.

“Very funny,” I replied.  “I am calling the lawyers on Monday.”

One month later, we were in a conference room on the 20th floor of a solid New York City law firm sitting across from our orthodox Jewish Trusts and Estates lawyer who had handled our wills and trusts for years.

“I want new wills and I want a blow job clause,” I added.

The partner, in her reddish-brown wig didn’t bat an eyelash.  “What’s that?” she asked.

I explained the point of the change to our wills and she listened patiently.  “That’s a good idea,” she said.

My husband, I think had been completely confident that my nonsense would end in that conference room.  He trusted our attorney to set me straight and send us on our way with a few tweaks to the will concerning guardians and gifts.  Instead, we began a conversation of exactly how this would all look.  My husband sat in his chair glumly.  “We don’t need a blow job clause,” he said every few minutes.  “We do,” I replied every few minutes.

Our lawyer swiveled her chair towards me.  “The will would need to separate out some assets which would be owned in such a way that upon your death they would then move through the will documents and not automatically revert to his sole ownership,” she said. “We can set up a revocable trust for the three kids and if you die first, your half of those assets will move into a trust.”

“So SHE can’t get her hands on my half of the assets?” I asked.

“Correct!” Said our lawyer.

My husband, who has zero ability to stay focused once the words ‘revocable’ and ‘irrevocable’ come up in conversation in a lawyer’s office, piped up.

“SHE’s a blond you know,” he said, smiling at his own cleverness.

“Very funny,” I replied to him.  “Let’s do it,” I said to our lawyer.

Recently, we changed our wills again as our kids no longer require guardians.  The revocable trust is sitting waiting in the law office safe.  It only becomes active upon my death and it will only matter if I die before my husband and he still has enough sexuality left to even want a blow job.  I hope we live a long life together and die in as peaceful a manner as possible.  I am not one of those women who thinks my husband deserves a second chance at love.  I think he had the very best chance of love that life will ever have to offer.  He hates the blow job clause, but he adores me.

Aphorism– Prepare for the worst and hope for the best

Takeaway – Blow job clauses should be in every marital prenuptial agreement and every last will and testament.

Recipe – slow cooker short ribs that fall off the bone

Use a slow cooker/crock pot or a Dutch Oven

Ingredients:

4 to 5 pounds 3-inch-long beef short rib with bones

Coarse kosher salt

2 cups dry red wine

2 cup beef or chicken stock (I use Swanson’s because it tastes good or Organic brands because they make me feel more comfortable)

Two large onions sliced 1/4 inch thick

Two carrots cut into 2 inch lengths

4 cloves garlic

DIRECTIONS

The short ribs need to be seared in a cast iron or other pan.  Sprinkle coarse salt and heat pan over high heat until very hot.  You need a kitchen fan on high for this.  Add the ribs in the pan and don’t overcrowd.  They should not touch each other.  As the sides brown, keep turning until all the sides are browned.

Layer sliced onions in the bottom of the slow cooker.  Layer on the browned ribs on top of the sliced onions.

Add the stock and red wine to the cast iron pan and bring to the boil and scrape up the browned meat stuck to the pan, if there is any, then pour into the slow cooker.

Add the garlic and the carrots and sprinkle salt and pepper to taste.

Set the slow cooker for high and 8 hours.

The meat will fall off the bone.